Death Dreaming

Last night I dreamed of death. My own. Well, I didn't actually die but I knew I was going to - cancer of the lung you see. All I wanted to do was search for a way to make saying goodbye to my loved ones less painful for me. I was looking for someone to help me die with a calm mind, no fear, a 'good death' if you will.

The dream woke me up and for the rest of the night, Death stayed up with me. I could not get back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, Death was right there.

In tarot, the Death card is nothing to be feared. It represents change, a transformation, a new beginning. Death is an integral part of growing. I think sometimes that is why people make choices in life that don't move them towards self actualization, they fear the loss of a way of thinking, of being, of behaving that still works for them, even if on the outside it seems destructive or masochistic. The fear of death to me is really a fear of loss.

The day I had those dreams, I had just parted ways with a very dear friend who was also my business partner, D. (Note: We are still friends, just not business partners) For the last year and a half, we've been working on launching a business but in truth it has been slow getting it off the ground. Why? What was wrong? What did we need? Better planning? More research? Just get going and organize a workshop? After months of rational contemplation that yielded ideas that didn't feel right, the penny dropped and I thought, hmmm maybe its got something to do with me.

And as I was willing to face the truth (ie leave my ego at the door), I could see and admit that I wasn't 100% committed. That I wasn't 'owning' it. That I was in my comfort zone relying on my partner to 'take care of things'. That I was again scared of responsibility, avoiding opportunities that meant I would have to stand on my own feet and rely on myself. That deep down I was still holding onto the belief that I didn't have what it took to make it on my own or figure out my own path. Suddenly the solution became clear and unequivocal. Seeing the truth of my situation, I had to leave. I chose not to spend another minute living my life in a way that was being driven by those beliefs. I choose growth, adventure, discovering and using my own talents to serve others.

I guess it's no wonder Death came a knocking that night. At a conscious level, I felt no loss or fear surrounding my decision. Only joy and a bittersweet parting from D. But I guess my unconscious still had to find expression in my dreams. It had to mourn the loss of feeling protected by others, of being shielded from failure, of the desire to experience life as an easy journey with no bad words, judgements or truths to face. All beliefs or desires associated with the child. Now as I think back to a book I recently read, I now know that letting go of all this is a way of healing my shadow child archetype that was at work in my life. (Read 'Sacred Contract by Caroline Myss' if interested in understanding archetypes)

A new path awaits.