I should be able to meditate consistently every day - because then I'd be useless/worthless because I can't even do such a simple thing
I should be able to have the discipline to get my coaching practice off the ground - because then I'd be useless, a failure
I should be able to .......
Discipline, follow through, sticking with it that's what all my I should's have in common.
But then I never do these 'should's' and therefore indeed reinforce in my mind that I am indeed a useless, worthless failure.
My motivations still stem from a negative self belief (and how sustaining can that be?) that I'm essentially walking the line of being a worthless person, not good enough and that's why I need to meditate, get my coaching practice off the ground, etc...I don't love myself fully. Who am I trying to prove myself to?
My Dad.
Negative messages from my parents (mainly my father but my mother was a silent accomplice):
You look like a whore
I never wanted any children
I don't want to have anything to do with your life
You're an idiot
I brought home a salary, I was working, you have no right to say I was a bad father
You are promiscuous
You do what I tell you to do, don't talk back
Your opinion doesn't count
Women can be shouted at
Women should stay quiet and 'take' it
You need to be the best of the best to make me happy
I feel like crying. I thought I had forgiven my Dad for the vague sense of how I felt he had emotionally abused me. But listing out these messages now I have trouble breathing and all this hurt and resentment is welling up in me again. He never wanted me. Bastard. What a shit. How irresponsible to not filter out any of these messages, you just vent them on an innocent child, uncensored. Raw. How is my three or four year old brain expected to process this in a mature way? I am now a parent myself and I could never imagine treating her that way.
ok breathe.
the list ticks all the boxes - I hold back my opinion, I give more than I take, I hate to ask for something for myself, I....don't...matter.
I have Amenorrhea, diagnosed with PCOS. No periods or long cycles, no ovulation.
Amenorrhea: Probable cause - Not wanting to be a woman. Dislike of self.
What does being a woman mean to me?
What was my earliest childhood memory of 'being a woman'? It meant being an emotional punching bag. It meant being independent and free to pursue what you want but also emotionally isolated and lonely within a marriage. It meant silently taking lots of shouting, rude words, anger. It meant accepting behaviour that is unacceptable if you love yourself. It meant it's ok to be emotionally abused.
I so want to forgive him. I love him dearly and he turned 70 last year. Time is not on our side. I can now interact with him and not 'punish' him as I used to. But seeing how I'm reacting from typing this post - I have not yet reached true unconditional forgiveness. I want that to be the result of this journey.
