Dis-ease comes from a state of unforgiveness

I should be able to lose the last 8kg of baby weight - because I'm not attractive otherwise

I should be able to meditate consistently every day - because then I'd be useless/worthless because I can't even do such a simple thing

I should be able to have the discipline to get my coaching practice off the ground - because then I'd be useless, a failure

I should be able to .......

Discipline, follow through, sticking with it that's what all my I should's have in common.

But then I never do these 'should's' and therefore indeed reinforce in my mind that I am indeed a useless, worthless failure.

My motivations still stem from a negative self belief (and how sustaining can that be?) that I'm essentially walking the line of being a worthless person, not good enough and that's why I need to meditate, get my coaching practice off the ground, etc...I don't love myself fully. Who am I trying to prove myself to?

My Dad.

Negative messages from my parents (mainly my father but my mother was a silent accomplice):

You look like a whore

I never wanted any children

I don't want to have anything to do with your life

You're an idiot

I brought home a salary, I was working, you have no right to say I was a bad father

You are promiscuous

You do what I tell you to do, don't talk back

Your opinion doesn't count

Women can be shouted at

Women should stay quiet and 'take' it

You need to be the best of the best to make me happy

I feel like crying. I thought I had forgiven my Dad for the vague sense of how I felt he had emotionally abused me. But listing out these messages now I have trouble breathing and all this hurt and resentment is welling up in me again. He never wanted me. Bastard. What a shit. How irresponsible to not filter out any of these messages, you just vent them on an innocent child, uncensored. Raw. How is my three or four year old brain expected to process this in a mature way? I am now a parent myself and I could never imagine treating her that way.

ok breathe.

the list ticks all the boxes - I hold back my opinion, I give more than I take, I hate to ask for something for myself, I....don't...matter.

I have Amenorrhea, diagnosed with PCOS. No periods or long cycles, no ovulation.

Amenorrhea: Probable cause - Not wanting to be a woman. Dislike of self.

What does being a woman mean to me?

What was my earliest childhood memory of 'being a woman'? It meant being an emotional punching bag. It meant being independent and free to pursue what you want but also emotionally isolated and lonely within a marriage. It meant silently taking lots of shouting, rude words, anger. It meant accepting behaviour that is unacceptable if you love yourself. It meant it's ok to be emotionally abused.

I so want to forgive him. I love him dearly and he turned 70 last year. Time is not on our side. I can now interact with him and not 'punish' him as I used to. But seeing how I'm reacting from typing this post - I have not yet reached true unconditional forgiveness. I want that to be the result of this journey.

Dusting off the skeletons

Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life was mentioned to me several times this year. And when a clairvoyant I saw recently mentioned the same book, I felt that the universe was telling me I would find it useful in some way. Yes, I am the kind of person that does give weight to the words of those people who I feel have very powerful intuitive gifts. Much to my husband's amusement and exasperation

I intend to work through the exercises in the book on this blog. Louise Hay believes in mind- body-spirit healing. That disease is actually dis-ease, we are carrying around negative energy in our being, that is then amplified by thinking about it and acting on it whether consciously or unconsciously. Finally this energy is manifested in our bodies in the form of physical pain, illness or other symptoms of your body not functioning right. She lays out her book like one of her workshops with plenty of exercises.

When I was 21, I suddenly stopped having my periods for about 6 months. I had stopped ovulating regularly. It was in my first year of university in London. A relationship that I wanted very much to continue had ended. I became depressed. Emotionally drained. I didn't eat enough. Did too many drugs. Lost too much weight. After a year, I recovered emotionally but my body, my cycle never normalized.

I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome - PCOS. When I wanted to conceive my first child, M, I instinctively sought the help of a naturopath rather than a fertility specialist. A case of listening to your intuition I believe. After 6 months of herbs and diet changes I miraculously fell pregnant naturally with M.

Now, I would like another baby to complete my family. I have been to a naturopath for herbs for the past 5 months and am also seeing an acupuncturist - again, a voice inside told me I should try it. I now have been having light periods regularly but no ovulation. I am wondering how long more I will continue with the treatments before seeking more conventional medicine like IUI where they help you ovulate and place the sperm in your uterus.

I draw the line at IVF. We have already been blessed with one daughter and I do not want a yearning for a second to become the primary focus in my life. Getting overly attached to the outcome means I'll not fully enjoy the present -my daughter, husband. And if for some reason a second one never comes around, that is ok to. It just gives me more time and energy to invest into my life coaching and whatever this universe has in store for me to make a difference to people in some way.

So, what am I hoping to gain from working through this book?

The truth is normal cycles with ovulation every month. But if that doesn't happen, it is not the end of the world. On the white board in my home office are the words 'Gratitude' and 'Living in the present'. They just came to me as things to keep in mind a few weeks ago. And they are a reminder to me now to focus on as I begin this process.

Death Dreaming

Last night I dreamed of death. My own. Well, I didn't actually die but I knew I was going to - cancer of the lung you see. All I wanted to do was search for a way to make saying goodbye to my loved ones less painful for me. I was looking for someone to help me die with a calm mind, no fear, a 'good death' if you will.

The dream woke me up and for the rest of the night, Death stayed up with me. I could not get back to sleep. Every time I closed my eyes, Death was right there.

In tarot, the Death card is nothing to be feared. It represents change, a transformation, a new beginning. Death is an integral part of growing. I think sometimes that is why people make choices in life that don't move them towards self actualization, they fear the loss of a way of thinking, of being, of behaving that still works for them, even if on the outside it seems destructive or masochistic. The fear of death to me is really a fear of loss.

The day I had those dreams, I had just parted ways with a very dear friend who was also my business partner, D. (Note: We are still friends, just not business partners) For the last year and a half, we've been working on launching a business but in truth it has been slow getting it off the ground. Why? What was wrong? What did we need? Better planning? More research? Just get going and organize a workshop? After months of rational contemplation that yielded ideas that didn't feel right, the penny dropped and I thought, hmmm maybe its got something to do with me.

And as I was willing to face the truth (ie leave my ego at the door), I could see and admit that I wasn't 100% committed. That I wasn't 'owning' it. That I was in my comfort zone relying on my partner to 'take care of things'. That I was again scared of responsibility, avoiding opportunities that meant I would have to stand on my own feet and rely on myself. That deep down I was still holding onto the belief that I didn't have what it took to make it on my own or figure out my own path. Suddenly the solution became clear and unequivocal. Seeing the truth of my situation, I had to leave. I chose not to spend another minute living my life in a way that was being driven by those beliefs. I choose growth, adventure, discovering and using my own talents to serve others.

I guess it's no wonder Death came a knocking that night. At a conscious level, I felt no loss or fear surrounding my decision. Only joy and a bittersweet parting from D. But I guess my unconscious still had to find expression in my dreams. It had to mourn the loss of feeling protected by others, of being shielded from failure, of the desire to experience life as an easy journey with no bad words, judgements or truths to face. All beliefs or desires associated with the child. Now as I think back to a book I recently read, I now know that letting go of all this is a way of healing my shadow child archetype that was at work in my life. (Read 'Sacred Contract by Caroline Myss' if interested in understanding archetypes)

A new path awaits.